A series of surprisingly fortunate events
by chibi-excel
Summary: Stiles may or may not be perpetually single, so Papa Stilinski decides to set him up with a girl from his hometown. A girl Stiles doesn't want to date, so he takes a book out of the movies and lies about having a relationship. Who is the unwilling victim? His best friend's boss at the coffee shop, Derek Hale. The man who seems to have a personal grudge against him. Sterek scallison
1. Chapter 1

A series of relatively fortunate events

_**Chapter One: Avoiding one disaster (and making a new one)**_

* * *

Stiles Stilinski, an eighteen year old freshman in college, is currently experiencing a relatively good-sized problem. The kind of problem one only really sees in romantic comedies. Hell, he got the _idea_ from said romantic comedies. You see, in his eighteen years of life Stiles has never dated. Not once. No movie night, no mutual flirting, no first kiss, and definitely no sex. It's driving him insane. Hell, it's driving his father insane.

Which leads us to his current problem. His father, the esteemed sheriff of his home town Beacon Hills, called him last night. That in itself is no horrifying thing, he calls every night actually, but last night he was treading on dangerous territory; Stiles' dating life. It happens sometimes, his father will ask all about how painfully single Stiles is, before assuring him he will meet the right person someday.

Last night, however, was much less hands-off on his father's part. The topic started with his father mentioning a cute daughter of a co-worker, went to Stiles lying about dating someone, and somehow ended with his dad deciding he wants to meet said person. Next week. Stiles has two days to find someone or change his name and move to Mexico.

He's thinking Miguel might be a good new name. It sounds sexy. He could be sexy.

However, before he changes his name and runs for the border, he has to settle his affairs with his best friend. A man has his priorities, and a best friend since second grade is definitely one of them.

"Scott!" Stiles exclaims, running into the coffee shop Scott is working at. "How long until you are done?" He asks, leaning over the counter to talk to his friend who is currently making someone a wicked delicious looking hot chocolate.

"Stiles." The all-too familiar voice of Derek Hale, the man who co-owns this shop with his two sisters, calls. "We've talked about you bugging him while at work. He'll be off in twenty minutes."

Stiles lets out an annoyed groan. The Hale family isn't the most emotionally stable group, but they are all shockingly warm and welcoming to the customers. Even Derek. In fact, there is only one person Derek can't even _fake_ kindness with and that would be Stiles. While others get a warm, albeit fake, smile from the man when they come in Stiles only gets a heated glare and some customer friendly way of saying 'get out of my shop'.

Scott and Derek don't get along either, but Derek is at least civil with him since they work together. Stiles gets no such consideration. However, they are both relatively mature sometimes, and can behave as such in public. So rather than get bitchy with Derek, Stiles flashes him a lovely fake smile and tries not to sound like he hates everything that is Derek Hale when he says 'I'll just get out of your way then'.

But of course he doesn't leave. Derek knows he isn't leaving, he never does. So rather than expecting the boy to do what he wants for once, he simply places Stiles' usual order, that he started on as soon as the boy came in, at his usual table and goes back to work. It would be sweet if it was literally anyone else on the planet doing it. Or if there wasn't a perpetual aura of annoyance surrounding Derek as he did it.

Stiles isn't going to complain though, because while Scott is pretty good at making his coffee, Derek is amazing at it. It's one of the two things Derek excels at; brooding and coffee.

"Pissing off Derek again, I see." Erica, a blonde that also works at the coffee shop, teases Stiles.

"Yeah, well, when you are good at something, you should do it often and without regret." He says, pulling out his laptop and getting settled.

"You seem a bit on edge today." Erica observes, leaning against his table, "Wanna share with the class?" Stiles frowns and contemplates telling her, but before he can Scott plops down across from him.

"So what's up?" Scott asks, Erica not budging until Derek orders her to get back to work a moment later.

"Well, Scott…I have a favor to ask."Stiles begins, speaking quietly in hopes of no one else hearing them, "You see…dad called last night…and wanted to set me up with someone." He explains and Scott winces, "Right? Parent set-ups are never good. So to avoid that I told him I was dating someone…which made him all excited and now he wants to come up for a week meet them! I need someone to date me! Even if it's not real!"

Derek laughs from the nearby counter and Stiles shoots him a look that does nothing to make him stop. "That's a new level of pathetic. Even for you."

"This conversation has nothing to do with you. Go away." Stiles bites out, he is way too on edge for Derek right now.

"Well, actually…" Scott begins, pulling their attention from each other, "Maybe it does…"

Stiles eyes widen, knowing exactly where this is going, "Scott…Scott no."

"Derek owes me a favor." Scott says and Derek tenses up.

"Scott, don't you dare." He warns.

"You had me take Isaac in for a week, remember that? Granted, we became great friends after that, but you made me take in some kid I didn't know for a whole week when I first started working here. You promised to pay me back." Scott explains, "I am simply cashing in that favor."

"Dear god no, Scott, think of me!" Stiles whines, "Derek hates me, and I hate him, we can't pull it off!"

Derek remains silent for a few moments, obviously annoyed with the whole idea. "I'll do it." He finally says and Stiles almost falls out of his seat.

"With certain ground rules!" Stiles relents as he tries to regain his balance, "No sex, I cannot stress enough how much sex we will _not_ be having."

Derek scoffs, "As if I would ever touch you."

"You will have to kiss, no doubt." Erica says, coming up beside Derek at the counter.

"Oh my _god_." Stiles groans, slamming his head on the table. "I can't do this. I should just tell him and go out with this girl. Bite the bullet as it were."

Scott shrugs, looking at him curiously, "Who is this girl?"

"Leanne…Winters?" Stiles mumbles and Scott's jaw drops. Literally, drops. That's not promising.

"Oh god, Stiles, just date Derek. Really the better of the two." Scott suggests, "Seriously, this girl is known for stalking guys. You know how many guys at our school were _**terrified**_ of her? I'm surprised your dad is allowing this, she _must_ have restraining orders out on her."

"_Oh my __**god**_." Stiles breathes out, horrified. Are these seriously his choices? Maybe his father won't make him go? Oh who is he kidding of course his father would. It would be 'rude' not to go. That's why he lied about the whole dating someone thing anyways!

"Looks like Derek's your man~!" Erica teases, grinning and taking way too much joy out of this. Seriously, weren't they supposed to be friends? Or at the very least acquaintances that didn't laugh at each other's pain.

"Don't ever say that again." Derek practically growls out, making her laugh as she heads to the back.

"Treat him right, Derek! He's the best you'll ever have!" Erica calls out, making Stiles snicker, "And the only you'll ever have, Stiles!" She adds, making the teen choke on his drink.

"She has a point," Derek smirks, "About you at least."

"Not cool," Stiles huffs and looks to Scott, "Why did you even have to take in Isaac?" he asks before realizing something, "Oh hey! He owes you too, right? Why can't it be him? Isaac and I get along much better."

"My uncle was over that week, he scared Isaac. Whom you're not dragging into this." Derek says firmly and Stiles must admit, him being protective of the boy his family basically adopted is pretty damn attract-admirable. Definitely just admirable. Nothing else.

"Fair enough." Stiles relents. Isaac is still young anyways and they all admittedly feel a bit protective of him since earlier this semester when they found out his dad had been beating him before he ran to the Hale house. So yeah, okay, he's out, and neither of the Hale girls would agree to it so Derek it is. It's truly sad he has to go through all this trouble for a date. Even just a fake one. "Ugh, when did my life get so pathetic?" He groans to himself.

"I'm assuming from the day you were born." Derek mocks before going up to their table and grabbing their empty drinks to refill them. Say what you will about the jackass, he is good at his job.

"You know my dad wont like the constant abuse you give me!" Stiles calls after him, "Better be nicer to your man, hotcakes." He adds, watching as Derek drops the mugs in shock. "…Uh-oh."

"_**You**_," Derek begins, turning and pointing at Stiles as he tries to disappear in his seat, "Are paying for that."

Stiles lets out an indignant noise before shrinking under Derek's glare, "Okay, okay, I'll pay for it."

"So…um…when is he coming?" Scott asks; trying to cut the tension, bless him.

"Well, he's coming…in a few hours…." Stiles admits and Scott raises a brow.

"Well thanks for giving everyone a heads up." Scott sighs.

"Yeah, well, I wasn't given much either." Stiles huffs, looking to Derek, "Hear that, Derek? You have to learn to love me in the next couple of hours!" He calls and Derek rolls his eyes.

"A lifetime wouldn't be enough to make me love you." His voice is gruff, clearly annoyed with all of this- like Stiles isn't?- and feeling put out. Which, okay, he is being put out. That doesn't mean he has to be such a jerk about it though.

"Ouch, shnukums, don't be so cold." Stiles mocks, watching the color leave Derek's face again. Hey, at least that's something that will keep him amused this week.

"Don't. Do. That." Derek orders, "We aren't going to be that kind of…couple." He says with a pained expression, as if the last word leaves a bad taste in his mouth. Fair enough.

"No pet names, no touching, we're going to be the most boring couple in the history of the world." Stiles muses, propping his elbow up on the table and leaning his chin into his hand, "This is going to suck." He sighs, sharing a look of mutual disdain with Derek.

"Maybe next time you will grow a pair and just tell your dad 'no'." Derek offers, "Have him meet us here. I haven't seen, nor want to see, your place."

"Not the nesting type?" Stiles asks, his lips twisting up as he takes a sick sort of pleasure in the man's aggravation.

"Not the Stiles type." Derek corrects, watching a frown quickly drop onto Stiles' face.

"Now, now boys. That is no way to speak to your boyfriend!" Erica chides, earning her a glare from both of them.

"Go away Erica!" They yell in unison, making her laugh and disappear again.

* * *

A/N So this is a story I started like literally a year ago (seriously it was august 18th last year) and was just inspired to resume. So, yeah, I WILL NOT ABANDON IT I HAVE MATURED I CAN TOTALLY WRITE ROMANCE BETWEEN THESE WONDERFUL DORKS.


	2. Chapter 2

_A series of surprisingly fortunate events_

_**Chapter Two: The slow day from hell**_

* * *

Stiles is sitting in the café, watching Derek work and Scott text Allison like nothings different when in fact their lives just turned into a romantic comedy. And for once Stiles isn't the comic relief best friend. Of course, he's also not going to 'get the guy'. He doesn't even want to get the guy. It's still funny though. Like, ridiculously funny.

His life has a habit of doing that. Being funny. Luckily, Stiles is used to it and can actually laugh at it. So, being the completely sane guy he is, he proceeds to laugh.

Alone.

In a café full of people.

Not his best idea.

"Stiles, what the hell are you doing? Have a breakdown outside." Derek groans, cutting Stiles' laughter short because, yeah, it's kind of funny until you realize your romantic co-lead is a complete dick that is incapable of fun. Then you realize it's more like those indie films where they give a plot that you think will have a happy and romantic ending but instead it has a realistic, aggravating ending where everyone goes back to normal and they just grow a little more mature for the experience.

No one likes those movies.

Stiles _hates _those movies.

"Ugh, you are so not Sandra Bullock." He grumbles, looking back to his laptop as Derek lets out a bemused laugh.

"As if you have anything on Ryan Reynolds." Derek retaliates and Stiles gawks at him. Did _Derek Hale _actually get his movie reference? And joke back?

Could it be-? Could Derek secretly be a cool guy?

No. God no.

"Aside from the large family I am totally like him," Stiles says, smirking over at Derek, "Hot and funny with a heart of gold. Oh yeah. I am totally the Andrew Paxton to your Margaret Tate." He nods, more to himself than Derek because he knows the man isn't looking at him, "And you are totally going to fall in love with me. Try not to let it be awkward after this is all over."

Derek scoffs and looks up with a smirk from the coffee he's making for another, highly amused, customer, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Andrew fall for her first?"

Stiles gasps, as if appalled at the idea, but honestly he's just appalled he doesn't remember which fell first despite watching it countless times with Allison and Scott. He runs over to the counter, all limbs and flailing before hunching over it, "Just how many times have you _seen_ this movie?"

"I live with two sisters. How many do you think?" Derek counters, handing the coffee to the customer with his token smile before turning to Stiles with a decidedly more sour expression. "Rather than discuss a movie, shouldn't we discuss the fact your father will be here in a few minutes? Does he know you are seeing a guy?"

"I was purposefully vague on gender." Stiles responds, still hunched over the counter and looking at Derek. He looks exhausted. Which may or may not be Stiles' fault, no one can say for sure. As he stares, he notices some stuff he's never paid much attention to before. Mainly Derek's facial hair. It's always at the same amount, every day. No more, no less.

"Do you purposefully trim your facial hair to that eternally-five o'clock-shadow? Or…?"

"Stiles you are the last person I want to talk about my face with." Derek groans, walking to the other end of the counter. Like that's going to make Stiles go away.

"Really now?" Stiles asks, following him easily, "We can talk about my face then. Like my moles. Moles are beauty marks, you know. So my face is literally covered in beauty." He says, watching the corners of Derek's lips turn up in a smile. Not a smirk, but a true smile. Amazing. "Oh yeah, everyone wants to get up on this."

Derek turns to face him again, giving him a once over, "Oh yeah, everyone wants a piece of the great _Stiles Stilinski_. For about the five seconds you can last without saying something stupid that distracts from any good looks you have."

Stiles deflates a little at that, because it's kind of true. Growing out his hair in his sophomore year got him more attention, more interest from others, but no one ever followed through. No dates, no flirting, no nothing. Maybe he's just too-

Wait.

"So you admit I'm attractive?" He asks, eyes wide and mouth open.

Derek looks at him, eyebrow raised, "That's what you take away from what I just said?"

"Yes. Yes it is." Stiles affirms, "The rude and emotionally constipated Derek Hale finds the perfection that is Stiles Stilinski attractive."

"The 'perfection' that is perpetually single." Derek mocks.

"Not anymore. I bagged me the big pile of muscles and asshole that is Derek Hale." Stiles grins.

"Be still my beating heart." Derek monotones, wiping down the counter.

"Um…Stiles…" Scott calls from his seat, staring out the window, "Hate to ruin…whateve this is, but your dad is here."

Stiles tenses up against the counter and Derek moves closer, resting his elbows on it as he watches the door with the teen. "Ohgodohgodohgod. Derek be cool."

"Alright."

"Don't do anything stupid."

"Same to you."

"Act like you like me."

He hears Derek sigh heavily beside him, "I'm trying, but the more you talk the harder it is."

"Shut up, you love me." Stiles says and Derek huffs out a laugh.

"Whatever you say."

Scott watches them, a smirk on his face that doesn't go unnoticed by Stiles. So much for a best friend. Asshole.

He can now see his dad through the window, making his breathing grow more panicked. He's got this. No, yeah, no, he totally has this. He's fine. Is the room getting smaller? Where the hell did the air go?

"Stiles." Derek calls, placing a hand on the panicking teen's arm. "Calm down."

Stiles takes a deep breath, "R-right…it'll be fine…" He groans, "Why couldn't Scott be single right now? That would be so much easier…"

"Why couldn't you be less awkward so you could just _have_ someone?" Derek counters before the door opens, revealing his father.

"H-hey dad! Over here!" Stiles calls, wondering if maybe he could hold Derek's hand without him thinking it's weird. No wait, Stiles himself thinks it's weird. Never mind. Dropping that idea.

"Stiles!" Stilinski grins, waving at his son as he heads over. "How are classes?"

"Oh, you know, pretty good! When I'm not out all night with my boyfriend. Derek. Derek's my boyfriend." Stiles motions to the man behind the counter, surprising both Stilinski and Derek.

"Subtlety really isn't in your repertoire, is it?" Derek muses.

Stilinski looks over to Derek, then back at Stiles, than to Derek again. "Derek…Hale?"

"Sheriff Stilinski. It's been a while." Derek flashes him his trademark smile, "I'm sorry he never told you."

"Derek is twenty-four." His dad says slowly, looking to Stiles, "A bit out of your age-range, don't you think?"

"Um…" Stiles begins, turning to Derek, "Well…that's…"

"He's legal." Derek says, earning him an incredulous look from Stiles. _Seriously_? Does he try this hard to be awkward?

"I know…I just…" His dad sighs, "I wasn't expecting…this." He gestures toward Derek. "No offense."

"None taken." Derek shrugs.

Stiles turns to his dad and frowns, maybe he really shouldn't have chosen Derek. "Is this alright, dad? Me and…Derek?"

His dad looks between them for a moment and smiles at Stiles, "Do you really like Derek?"

"Yep, yeah, definitely." Stiles says awkwardly, "He's, like, the light of my life and whatnot." Derek rolls his eyes.

"Well you have talked about a Derek a lot…I never knew it was Hale, though." Stilinski sighs, "Could've been someone worse than a man who owns a café."

"A _successful_ café." Stiles points out, earning a look from Derek and his dad.

"I swear my son isn't a gold digger." Stilinski pauses, "Well…probably."

"I take offense to that!" Stiles huffs as Scott gets up and comes over.

"Is no one going to point out how Stiles is dating his best friend's boss?" Scott asks, looking around, "No one else finds that odd?"

"He obviously didn't find it off when he asked me out." Derek points out and Stiles pales.

Wait what? They didn't agree to that. Okay, they didn't agree to anything on a back story, but they _definitely _didn't agree to _that_.

"Well, when do you get done? You can tell me all about my son's pushy ways over dinner." Stilinski offers and Stiles holds back a groan. Couldn't they just talk in the café? He doesn't want to have to pay for Derek's dinner, too.

"And you can tell me all the things your son says about me on the phone." Derek offers, and Stiles feels himself choke on air, earning a nice slap to his back from Scott.

"So where are we going to dinner?" Scott grins, "Unless you want the love birds alone."

Oh he did _NOT_ just do that. Conniving son of a bitch.

"Oh my _god_," Stiles breathes out. He is so done with this day.

* * *

A/N: Friends are so nice.


	3. Chapter 3

A Series of Surprisingly Fortunate Events

_Chapter Three: Dinner and a meltdown (because movies are overrated) _

* * *

Stiles sits between Derek and Scott at the restaurant, counting down the seconds. It feels like he has been sitting here for a year, just waiting for something to happen and everything to be over. His father is currently catching up with Scott, which is a relief. The less focus on him and the Adonis of anger issues, the better.

"So, Derek, how did my son ask you out?" Stilinski asks, taking his attention off of Scott. Curse his best friend for not being interesting enough to distract his father for the entirety of dinner. Then again, in his dad's defense, one can only hear the name 'Allison' so many times before they feel their sanity being to slip away.

"Well, after making my life a living hell from day one, Stiles came in one day and I told him I didn't want to see his face in my coffee shop again. So he asked if I'd prefer to see it in my b-somewhere else." Derek explains and Stiles gawks at him. Shit, that actually happened. Except they weren't flirting, they were arguing. "I said no, so he offered dinner instead and I reluctantly agreed so he would go away. After that, though, I didn't want him to go away." He lies, giving Stiles a smile that totally wasn't the image of perfection.

This is Derek. Nothing about him is perfect.

His lying skills aren't bad, though.

"Well you know me," Stiles grins at his dad, "I always get the yes."

"You literally have never gotten the yes before. Ever." Scott points out, earning him a sharp elbow in the side for all his oh-so-wonderful bro skills.

"Stiles is a good kid," Stilinski says, smiling at Derek and ignoring his son and Scott's shenanigans. "You just have to get to know him."

"Excuse me," Stiles interrupts, "But I am a delight from day one."

"The first day we met you broke one of my mugs, distracted Scott from work, and hit on both of my sisters. Which part of that was supposed to be a delight?" Derek groans.

"My general existence." The teen brags and Derek just stares at him for a minute.

"You know, I was wrong." He admits, surprising Stiles. "I always assumed you were an idiot, but clearly you must have some brains if you can manage to fit that huge ego through doors."

"Well it's nowhere near the amount of skills you've gotta have to fit all that man-pain in a building." Stiles counters before his dad gives him the patented dad look.

"Stiles this is your boyfriend, be nice." Stilinski scolds and Stiles gawks.

"Are you serious right now? He started it!"

"Aren't you supposed to stop pulling their pigtails when you start dating them?" Stilinski asks both of them. Stupid fake boyfriends and their inability to do their damned job.

Is it so much to ask someone who hates you to pretend you're the best thing in the world for a few hours? They pull it off in the movies!

Oh well, at least Derek is getting scolded, too.

Serves him right.

"Really," Stilinski sighs, "I guess I should have known from how you talk about him on the phone."

"All complaints, no doubt." Derek says and Stiles laughs nervously.

"That's right! All complaints!"

"Yeah, but how much of a complaint can it be when you're using lines like 'perfect hair' and 'chiseled body' or my personal favorite 'stupidly attractive face'." Stilinski offers up, making Stiles sink down in his seat in horror.

Andrew Paxton didn't have to deal with this shit. No, he got Betty White as his grandma.

What does Stiles have? A fake boyfriend he can't stop arguing with and a best friend who is doing the opposite of helping.

Of course it's hard to say anything when you are constantly trying not to laugh.

"Stupidly attractive face, huh?" Derek asks, looking to Stiles who is now contemplating the advantages and disadvantages of hiding under the table like he used to when he was three.

"Are we done eating yet?" Stiles groans.

"Oh god no." Scott says, "I'm feeling dessert."

"I'm feeling I need a new best friend."

The rest of dinner goes _horribly_.

Derek and his dad bond over something-or-other, he can't really hear it over all of his internal screaming. Then, he's not sure how, but his dad actually manages to bring up fucking marriage.

Who even does that to their son's new boyfriend?

Scott decides to weigh in, too. He tells them of Stiles' dream nerd-wedding which earns him hardcore judgment from Derek. Not that he gives a shit what that jerk thinks of him, but he doesn't need him to have _so much_ dirt on him.

Finally after what feels like an eternity, the dinner is over.

Stiles makes sure his friendly pat-on-the-back for Scott includes a fist.

To his horror, though, Derek doesn't leave. Nope, he looks like he's about to, but his dad has other plans for the guy.

"You know, you should come back with us for the night." Stilinski offers and Stiles gawks at him.

What the hell did he do to make god so angry with him?

Is this because he glitter bombed the local pastor at Beacon Hill?

He's sorry!

"No, dad, he shouldn't." Stiles says, his voice surprisingly firm for how freaked out he is. "You just got here I want a night with you. I can see Derek anytime."

"Well," Stilinski begins, clearly defeated, "I suppose it can wait until tomorrow night."

"Why the hell does he have to stay over?" Stiles practically whines, which totally isn't suspicious.

"Because anyone can pretend to be a good person for one night." His dad points out, giving Derek a stare down before going to his car. "I'll head to your place first, so you two can say goodnight." He offers, giving Stiles no time to refuse before he is already gone.

"Damn, now I'm torn between letting him think you are a nice guy and approving, or showing him the dick you truly are so we can break up." Stiles sighs and Derek shrugs.

"I'm fine with either one, but just remember the first option puts you back where you started."

Shit.

Fuck you, Derek Hale. You and your fucking points.

"Alright, fine, so we have to step our game up." Stiles says.

"Or," Derek begins, "_Or_ you could grow a pair and tell him the truth. Just a thought."

"You're not here to think, Derek, you are here to look pretty and pretend you love me."

"Well, according to what your dad says you already think I have the first one down." The man teases, a cocky smirk on his face that Stiles does not appreciate.

"Whatever, just, I don't know, up the affection or something because if my dad finds out we are faking I will lose his trust." Stiles says, a little more hurriedly than he anticipated.

"Like I'm to believe this is the biggest lie you have told your dad." Derek huffs and Stiles frowns.

"No, it isn't," He admits, "I lied to him all the time when I was little and then one day…something happened and he made me vow to never lie to him again." His breathing is starting to come out in gasps as he remembers that day, when he got into so much trouble with Scott that he almost cost his father his job. Of course this is a small lie compared to that, an almost laughable lie, but who knows how his father would take it.

And that's when it sinks in. he shouldn't have done this. He shouldn't have told his dad he was dating, he should have just said no, but he knew that no wasn't going to be an option and he doesn't want a stalker he just wants to go at his own (slightly forced) pace with (not) dating.

Why did it have to come to this? Damn parents, damn societies over-value of romantic relationships, and damn rom-coms.

"Stiles?" Derek calls out, but Stiles can only faintly hear it. "Stiles, you are…are you having a panic attack?" He asks, and Stiles registers the concern but that's about it before he falls to his knees on the ground, gasping. "Stiles!"

An arm wraps around his shoulders and another scoops his off the ground and before he knows it he is in Derek's car with a paper bag to his mouth. A hand is on his back, gently rubbing circles likes his father used to when he would get these as a kid, and after a few minutes he calms down a little.

"Do you need to go to the hospital? Are you alright?" Derek asks, looking Stiles over, "Shit, I never thought you would-that you had-whoa hey don't fall asleep!" He panics as Stiles goes pretty much limp in his car seat.

"I'm fine," Stiles says when he finally catches his breath, "I just need a minute…" He looks at Derek, sees the familiar panic and concern, and honestly he's surprised. "Never in a million years did I think I could get you to make that kind of face for me. Looks like the tin man had a heart all along."

Derek lightly bops Stiles on the forehead, "And this scarecrow lacks a brain."

"Oho, it strikes back." Stiles teases, trying to rid the look of concern from Derek's face. He hates getting that look.

"Listen up, Stiles," Derek says, his tone serious and his stare intense enough to keep Stiles from making any joke. "If this situation is going to cause you this much stress we shouldn't have done it in the first place." He scolds before becoming resigned to his fate. "But since we started, and clearly have no option other than to finish or put you in an early grave-something Scott would never forgive me for- I'll just have to be the perfect boyfriend. His voice sounds defeated, but something in his eyes makes Stiles feel challenged.

"You can't be the perfect boyfriend, because that will be me." The teen boasts and Derek rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, a kid with zero dating experience can pull off being the perfect boyfriend."

"I'll woo circles around you, sour patch."

Derek simply stares at him for a second, "What the hell is that?"

"It's your nickname." Stiles explains, "Because first you're sour, and then you're sweet." He teases, pinching the man's cheek for emphasis. "Couples give each other nicknames, you know. Now give me one."

"No."

"But Derek, no one will believe we're a couple if we don't have matching nicknames!"

Derek groans, but seems to give in because he goes silent and mulls the idea over. "Giraffe."

"What?" Stiles gasps, appalled, "That's not romantic! Why would you even want to call me that?"

"Because you're all legs and arms and awkward rolled into a lanky package." Derek explains, "I think it's a good one."

"No way! It has to be cute! Try again!"

"God you're so demanding." The older man grumbles, "I'm not a nickname type of guy, Stiles." He sighs, "I'm sticking with giraffe."

"Wow, rude!" Stiles huffs, "But fine, whatever, we won't use them all the time. Well, you sure as hell won't."

"Oh no, how awful." Derek mocks, "Now can you drive yourself home or should I bring you?"

Stiles smiles a little at Derek, even if he is an asshole, he's apparently an asshole with a heart. His very own sour patch.

Except, you know, not really.

* * *

A/N: Giraffe is the dopest pet name out there, Stiles, get with the times.


	4. Chapter 4

A Series of Surprisingly Fortunate Events

_Chapter Four: Hahaha I don't have a title for this piece of shit_

* * *

Stiles wakes up and crawls out of his bed in nothing but his boxers because, come on, it's just his dad. Who puts on clothes for their parents?

Following the theme of the past few days, he quickly regrets the decision when he comes out to the kitchen and sees none other than Derek Hale sitting at his dining room table, laughing with his father.

He didn't even know Derek Hale I_could/i_ laugh.

Or that he looks that good while laughing.

Shit, Derek is too attractive.

No! No! Not attractive!

Time to derail that train of thought.

The man looks over to him and raises a brow after looking him over, silently mocking him for his fucking amazing Adventure Time boxers and not the quite obvious mental breakdown he's going through. Clearly he is jealous of Adventure time.

"Oh my god! What is that stupid face doing in my house…?" Stiles groans before remembering the situation.

"I apologize for my son, he's horrible when he first wakes up." Stilinski apologizes for his son, who huffs.

He is a fucking delight when he wakes up, thank you very much. The only thing keeping him from being sunshine and rainbows is the judgmental, gorgeous, asswad at his table. Talking to his dad. Judging his impeccable style.

As a wise but overdone meme once said; ain't nobody got time for that.

"Yeah, which is why I don't spend the night." Derek says and Stilinski raises a brow.

"You don-?"

"Often! He doesn't often…" Stiles covers, hoping his nervousness isn't too obvious. "A-anyways…um…what are you doing here so early, sourpatch?"

Derek shoots him a look, "Your dad called me."

The teen gapes at the two of them in horror, "He did WHAT?"

"Called me," Derek reiterates as he holds up his cell phone, "We traded numbers last night."

"I don't think the entire day would be long enough for me to explain all the ways that is just so damned wrong." Stiles shoots his dad a look, "Stop getting close to my boyfriend." He warns, the last word feeling weird as it leaves his mouth and even weirder as it sort of lingers in his mind.

Everything about today is already so wrong and he hasn't even been awake an hour.

"Stiles, sit down already." Stilinski orders, followed by a groan and some flailing limbs as Stiles sits down beside Derek.

"So what fresh hell do you have in store for us today, dad?" Stiles asks and Stilinski smirks.

"Derek has informed me that there are some wonderful places to visit here."

"We're going to the zoo, apparently." Derek mumbles.

"…The zoo…" Stiles repeats before looking to his dad, "We have this one day together and you want to spend it with Derek at the zoo?"

"Well we aren't just going to sit at your little apartment all day." Stilinski points out, giving Stiles 'the look'. "Now get ready to go, or else."

Stiles huffs, groans, and generally noises his complaints without sounds and movement as he heads to the shower.

"I commend you," Stilinski says, smiling at Derek, "You put up with this on a regular basis."

Derek shrugs, "Nothing compared to all the years you had to deal with him. Besides, he's a pretty good kid all in all."

Stilinski smiles, "Yeah, he is."

"I'm ready now!" Stiles calls, coming out to see his father and Derek sharing some knowing smile. "…Annnd I already want this day to end."

Derek stand up and pats him on the back before leaning in, "This day is never going to end. Be ready." He whispers, his breath ghosting over Stiles' ear and totally not making the guy blush whatsoever.

"Oh my god," He mutters to himself before shrinking away from the touch. "Do _not _do that _ever_ again."

"Calm your hormones, Stiles." Derek teases and Stiles hates how spot on the smug bastard is.

"You calm _your_ hormones." Stiles lamely retaliates, earning him a smirk from the older man.

"Hey, now, flirt on your own time. I want to get to the zoo by eleven. We've got big plans today." Stilinski teases, making Stiles more embarrassed.

"Ha…" Stiles deadpans, grabbing Derek's arm and heading out to his dad's car.

"A reaction that isn't entirely spastic?" Derek asks with mock surprise, "Stiles, I didn't know you had it in you."

"This, right here, is why we could never be together." Stiles points out, "Too much sarcasm. We would drown in sarcasm. No one would know if the other was serious or not and it would become chaos."

"Yeah," Derek scoffs, "That's why we wouldn't work."

"Also, my hotness would be too dangerous. You wouldn't be able to keep your hands off me." Stiles adds, not even sure himself why he's still talking about this.

"I'm pretty sure you would love that." Derek says and Stiles guffaws.

"Yeah, sure, okay buddy."

"Okay boys, let's head out!" Stilinski calls, getting in his car and waiting for the two.

"After you, sourpatch." Stiles motions to the car.

"Oh no, I insist, after you. Giraffes should always go first, you never know how much room their limbs will take up." Derek teases and Stiles stares at him offended.

"Wow, rude."

"Both of you just get in the damn car!" Stilinski groans, making the two hurry inside.

Huddled up in the car, all of them are quiet except the music until Derek surprises Stiles by pressing up closer to him in the back. Being a totally happy and comfortable couple, Stiles of course doesn't tense up or let out some strange noise of confusion. Nope. Then, after not doing these things he doesn't actually squeak when he feels a hand take his.

He's totally acing this fake dating thing.

Totally.

"What the hell are you doing?" Derek whispers to him and Stiles shoots him a look.

"I could ask you the same damn thing."

"Couples touch, Stiles. Not that you would know since you've never been in one." The man groans and Stiles huffs.

"Yeah because you're the king of relationships."

"Even if I'd only had one, that's still a hell of a lot more than you've had."

Stiles elbows him, but remains silent.

Because he's right.

"What are you boys talking about back there?" Stilinski asks and Stiles jumps a little, almost smacking Derek in the face with his flailing limbs as he explains himself.

"Well, you know, couple stuff! Like, um, who looks cuter today…?" Stiles mutters and both his dad and (fake) boyfriend look at him odd.

"Sorry about him, in case you haven't noticed he is kind of new to the whole dating thing." Stilinski says and Derek laughs.

"Yeah, hard to miss."

"Wow, okay, I'm right here people." Stiles says, looking personally affronted.

Because he is.

Finally they arrive at the zoo and Stiles and Derek go ahead to buy the tickets as Stilinski finds a decent spot to park. Again, to Stiles' shock, a hand actually comes out of nowhere and grabs his own.

"Damn it Derek, warn a guy before you do that!" Stiles groans, but curls his hand around Derek's anyways. "You seem oddly comfortable with this."

"I'm a grown man, Stiles, I'm not going to get all jumpy and spastic over a few touches."

"Don't think I don't know that's a dig, sourpatch."

Derek rolls his eyes. "Would you stop with that nickname you awkward giraffe?"

They arrive at the counter, where Stiles and Derek pull away from each other to greet the friendly woman waiting behind it.

"Good afternoon! How may I help you?" She asks sweetly and Stiles speaks up quickly.

"We need three tickets, please!" He looks back to see where his dad is, and feels overwhelming relief when he finds the car being parked.

"Three tickets it is!" She smiles.

"Whoa wait why are you paying?" Stiles asks and Derek shrugs.

"Because I'm sure your dad doesn't want you wasting your weekly allowance on the zoo. He already paid for dinner, too, so…you know…" He trails off and Stiles stares at him in awe.

"Oh my god, you are trying to earn brownie points? The guy already loves you! Jesus!"

"Enjoy your date." The woman says, catching their attention again.

Stiles laughs a little, "Oh it's not a-"

"Thank you." Derek says quickly, grabbing Stiles' arm and yanking him over to the side to wait for his dad. "Stay still."

"Excuse you?" Stiles huffs, "I can move if I damn well want." He moves a little and smacks into a display case, sending stuffed animals falling all around him. "Oh my god, seriously?"

There's a small smile on Derek's face when a giraffe lands on Stiles' head. "Oh no, you're getting attacked by your own kind."

"Oh I bet you think you're just sooo cute and funny. Well, you're not." Stiles looks down at the various stuffed animals around him, "And why would you put me directly next to this anyways?"

"I had more faith in you." Derek explains, "Clearly misplaced."

"Don't lie, you just wanted to see me do something stupid."

"Why would I go out of my way to see something I see every day?"

Stiles goes to say something, but he notices the look the girl behind the counter is giving him and decides to just pick up the toys. Not without mumbling a few choice words about his precious little boyfriend though.

"Sorry for the wait boys!" Stilinski smiles at the two as Stiles, all on his own, finishes picking up the toys. "Ready to go?"

They both nod and Stiles takes Derek's hand this time, surprising the man.

Aw yeah, suck on that Hale. He can be grown up too.

* * *

A/N: HAhahahahahaaaa this sucks omg who let me write stuff I suck so hard


	5. Chapter 5

A Series of Surprisingly Fortunate Events

_Chapter Five: First they're sour, then they're sweet_

* * *

Stilinski leads the way as they work through the zoo. He gets a wistful look in his eyes when they arrive in the nocturnal exhibit, before proceeding to tell Derek all the bad things Stiles has done in the dark of nocturnal exhibits.

Who _doesn't_ try to steal themselves a bat while in there?

Like, come one. It could have been a gross, deadly vampire and there is no way little!Stiles didn't wanna be friends with that!

They then pass the petting zoo and Stilinski stares at it for a while, remembering all the times he brought Stiles in there.

Including the time he brought a five year old Stiles and Scott, where Stiles put food in Scott's pockets and laughed as the animals kept making him fall over when they tried to get it.

That's not mean.

That's just good friending.

He got all kinds of love from the animals that day and who doesn't want love from cute animals?

Psychopaths. That's who.

Seriously though, all of Stilinski's memories are of Stiles causing trouble. Trying to sneak into exhibits, scaring other children, stealing a $40 stuffed animal, and sneaking out of a butterfly exhibit with a few caterpillars and a chrysalis or ten to make his own butterfly exhibit in his bedroom. In his defense, it worked. Until his dad let them all out.

He had to have done something good at some point, right?

Evidently not because they have just reached the wolves and his dad is telling Derek of when Stiles decided he was going to be one.

"-He followed them for an hour, studying them and trying to work out their 'language' so he could become 'king of the wolves'." Stilinski laughs, joined with Derek who is enjoying this way too much. "Luckily an older man informed him that wolves don't cook their meat and apparently that was his limit."

"Oh my god, dad, at least tell him cute stories about me." Stiles groans.

"Those are cute stories." Stilinski points out and Stiles wonders if it's his fault his father's views are so warped. "Oh, when you were very little we went to a reptile room where they had some snakes, lizards, and turtles out. No one paid attention to the turtle because he was slow and just sitting there, but you wouldn't leave him. You didn't want him to feel unimportant so you sat by his side for three hours, the longest you have ever stayed in one place. You just sat with him and talked to him." A fond smile comes to his face, "Which is why we go to see him every year."

"Finally!" Stiles sighs, "You see, that is cute!" He looks to Derek, "Isn't it?"

Derek smirks, "I'm still partial to you pantsing some kid named Greenburg on your school trip to try to get an emu to 'eat the worm'."

"We don't talk about that."

"I'm pretty sure from now on we won't talk about anything but that."

Stilinski shakes his head fondly at the two of them before excusing himself to go to the bathroom, leaving the two alone.

"Um…" Stiles begins and Derek stands next to him watching the giraffe walk around in front of them.

"So, you know that most people take a person out to eat before they get in their pants." The man teases, making Stiles gawk.

"I-yo-Oh my GOD, Derek! I said we weren't talking about that!" He whines and Derek laughs under his breath.

"You seem upset. As a kind boyfriend I will toss you over this fence so you can run with your kind for a little bit. Let off some steam."

"I am gonna kick your well-toned ass!" Stiles yells.

"Honestly, though, you and your father are surprisingly fun to hang out with." Derek says and Stiles smiles a little.

"You need to work on your compliments, sourpatch. But it's good to know you aren't suffering."

"Stiles…" The older man begins, staring at the giraffes as if he's unsure of what he's about to say. "I don't hate you, you know that right?" Derek looks over at Stiles, "I wouldn't agree to this, even if I did owe Scott-"

"Which you do."

"-I wouldn't pretend to date someone I hated." He finishes, clearly ignoring Stiles. "So, you know, keep that in mind."

Stiles isn't sure how to react. He smiles a little, then frowns because he can feel his face heating up, and then looks at Derek with some awkwardly tense smile that looks like he might be scared for his life.

Derek doesn't hate him?

That is literally news.

Big news.

On the local channel getting covered by some random reporter at six o'clock, news.

Seeing Stiles' internal combustion, Derek decides to make it worse.

"In fact, sometimes when you are being a little less of a shithead than usual, I actually like you." The man admits and that does it.

Stiles makes a weird noise that was something between a 'wha-?' and 'heee!' before effectively shutting down. All systems are very much not go. Derek Hale actually likes Stiles once and a while, that's like-

That's like-

He can't think of anything right now but when the shock wears off he will have a totally amazing comparison so come back later.

"I'm back, what did I miss?" Stilinski asks, coming up beside his son.

"Oh, not much, I think I broke him." Derek smirks. "His mother ship might have to take him back in for repairs."

Stilinski looks to his clearly flustered son and then back to Derek with a smile Stiles doesn't quite get. "I haven't seen that look since I explained where babies came from."

Derek laughs, actually laughs and Stiles is fairly certain he heard a little snort at the beginning. It's not cute.

He's not cute.

He's clearly a diabolical man out to break Stiles' mind with words and noises and his looks. Yes, this is no longer The Proposal. This is a James Bond movie and Stiles is 007 getting hardcore played by an evil vixen who goes by the total unsexy name of Derek Hale. Couldn't be something like Ivana Humpalot. Nope, Derek Hale.

Fuck you Derek Hale.

They eventually get passed Stiles' little meltdown and finish their tour of the zoo before going out to dinner again. This time Scott is very much not invited or informed and it goes relatively smooth until, somehow, they all end up back at Stiles' apartment.

Derek included.

With an overnight bag.

Stilinski takes the couch, obviously, since there is only one bedroom. One bedroom Stiles has to share with Derek. The Derek who doesn't hate him and sometimes occasionally likes him. A fact that made Stiles a lot happier than he is comfortable with.

"So, we're gonna be doing a head-to-foot thing. Cool?" Stiles asks and Derek shrugs, taking off his shirt and effectively making all of Stiles' other thoughts fly out the window.

"Your dad leaves tomorrow, right?" Derek speaks up, giving Stiles a look when he notices the teen ogling him. "Stiles."

"Huh-oh-right!" Stiles nods, "Yeah, tonight's the last night he goes home tomorrow and we can resume out normal way of life."

"You mean you interfering with my employee's work?" Derek groans, "Could that possibly not happen so much?"

"Oh please," Stiles scoffs, "The Hales love me."

"It takes a lot of convincing to keep Cora from killing you." Derek points out. "And even more convincing to allow you to even come into our store."

Stiles looks up at Derek in shock. "Wait, are you saying…you stick up for me against your sisters?"

The older man tenses up a little, a guilty expression now on his face. "Um…"

"Wow! I feel so loved!" Stiles teases and Derek actually-

No way-

Is he-

"Derek Hale is blushing holy shit!" He accidentally blurts out, receiving a harsh glare from the older man. "Wow! Derek Hale thinks I'm cool!"

"Now I have never, EVER, said that." Derek firmly denies. "No one thinks your cool."

"Psh, whatever man. You wanna be my buddy." Stiles grins, "Wanna hang out with the great Stiles Stilinski. Bask in my glory at least once a day."

Derek rolls his eyes. "Oh, yes, all the glory that is a clumsy teenager who can't even manage the basic human function of walking."

"It's hard to keep your balance when your feet don't touch the ground." Stiles boasts and Derek raises a brow.

"Wow. Stiles. No."

"I'm an angel."

"Nobody thinks that." Derek protests.

"I'm James bond."

"You should probably get your head out of your ass soon, otherwise this whole head-to-foot arrangement is going to get awkward."

Stiles laughs, patting Derek on the back when he gets into bed. "Good for you! Our little sourpatch made a funny!"

Derek smiles at him and Stiles immediately stops laughing. "Go to bed, before I send you back to the other giraffes where you belong."

Stiles sits there, reeling as he watches Derek lie down in a comfortable position. Thank god this is all ending tomorrow. He didn't think Derek would be this cool. Or likeable. Or nice.

"On second thought," Derek pipes up, "Maybe I'll just send your cackling ass to the emus." He teases, smirking like the little shit he is.

"Not if I send you back to the factory first," Stiles huffs, getting under his covers. "You defective sourpatch."

* * *

A/N: OMG THIS TOOK FOREVER TO UPDATE. So sorry! School and work have me ridiculously busy! Anyways, next chapter is the last. So, like, anyone still reading this thank you for putting up with my shitty updating. You're hella rad.


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